short play based on Genesis

EDEN, DAY. GOD DESCENDS FROM HEAVEN TO HAVE A TALK WITH ADAM, WHO IS ONLY A FEW HOURS OLD.

GOD: Doing some jumping-jacks I see. Good for you. How do you like existing?

ADAM: Oh man, it’s the best. Really good.

GOD: And your body? Seem alright?

ADAM: Mm-hm. Seems good: two arms, two legs, pretty intuitive. Yep, can’t think of any—well, now that you bring it up, there are these two things hanging down between my legs. They’re very tender, and they kind of bang against my thighs when I walk. Sitting down comfortably is pretty much impossible…

GOD: Ah, well those are your balls. Very important for reasons I’ll explain later on—but they grow these delicate little critters inside of them that have to be kept at a certain temperature—it’s too hot inside your body for them to survive.

ADAM: I see, very good. But, um—couldn’t you make them a little tougher, so maybe all of my organs could be inside of my body?

GOD: Interesting. How many universes did you make this week?

ADAM: You know what—forget I said anything. Balls are great—I love them.

GOD: That’a boy. Any maintenance questions?

ADAM: Well I feel a little weird, kind of dizzy and really dry…

GOD: You’re thirsty. See you’re pretty much a water-creature even though you live on land and breath air—so you can’t wander too far from water-- ever. You’ll need to pour lots of it into that hole in your face several times a day to keep your insides constantly wet.

ADAM: Ah. Bit of a hassle, isn’t it—I mean, great, so I’ll drink as much as I need, then if there’s any extra it will probably evaporate off of my skin or something—great job Lord, very good idea.

GOD: Eh, actually pretty much every time you drink water, a little while later you’ll have to squirt it out of another hole in your body—and by then it’s so full of toxins that you can’t really drink it again. If you go anywhere you’ll need to make sure you can get away quick to a place where you can shoot dirty water out of your body.

ADAM: (a little irritated) Really? Hmm. I’m also feeling a little empty, like I need energy. How do I fix that? Do I just absorb energy from that hot bright thing up there?

GOD: No, the plants do—but you can’t. You have to rip up the plants and stuff them in that same hole in your face to get the energy, but that won’t quite do it on its own.

ADAM: Okay, then what else can I do?

GOD: Well you see these cute fuzzy creatures running around here?

ADAM: Ah, my woodland friends. Yes, I like them a lot.

GOD: Uh-huh, well to really feel satisfied, you’re going to have to kill them, cut off little chunks of their bodies, and stuff those bloody chunks into that same hole in your face.

ADAM: (trying not to vomit) WHAT?

GOD: No, no, I made them taste REALLY good, you’ll see. And you’ll be so hungry you won’t care about the kicking and screaming and all the blood—trust me. You’ll get used to it.

ADAM: (horrified) Okay… okay, let me sit down—ouch! (sits on balls) So I do this, like maybe once a year, I absorb their energy, then we’re good right? I’m done?

GOD: Exactly. Well—your body will actually have to change their dead flesh into this fowl-smelling brown sludge that you’ll have to push out of yet another hole—I put that one in back of you so you won’t have to watch, don’t worry. But yeah, that stuff is deadly toxic—you won’t want to touch it after that. You’ll need to bury it in a hole or find some way to get it far away from you—FAST.

ADAM LOOKS AT GOD WITH A WRINKLED BROW AND EYES WIDE AS DINNER PLATES—THE WAY YOU LOOK AT SOMEONE WHOM YOU JUST REALIZED IS DANGEROUSLY INSANE.